They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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