Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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