Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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