so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
