So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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