Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
