theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
