we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
