either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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