you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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