Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
