I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
