Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
