Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
