Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
