I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize