Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
