This is not my ceiling
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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