Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
