My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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