When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
