The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
