Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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