My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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