At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
