You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
