Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
