yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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