how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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