My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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