Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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