In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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