You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
