You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
