can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
