If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
