its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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