I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
