On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
