You can't special order awesome
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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