so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
