I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
