Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
