Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
