So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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