So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
