Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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