If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
