Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
