i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize