She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
