he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
