I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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