Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize