I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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