I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
