I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
