the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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